Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
