I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
