u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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