I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
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