I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
