News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
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