people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
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Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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