Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
It's Friday. Sex?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
