someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
