Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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