It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
