I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
