i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
