i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
we're so committed to being not committed
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
