Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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