my vag is so smooth its legendary
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
she looked like the before picture.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
