I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i drank out of a bidet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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