What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
