My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
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Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
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My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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