I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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