you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Randomize
