Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
