I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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