i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
