Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
