Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
