You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
