If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You have to summon your inner elephant
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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