I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.