does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
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remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
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You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.