Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Vodka?
Forever.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
