i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
