May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
