Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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