Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
