Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I will be naked everywhere
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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