That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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