i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
as a side note pls kill me
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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