he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
