Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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