when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
false alarm. still invincible.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
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Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
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