her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
