I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
