My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
