Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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