Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
