I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My vagina just recognized that song.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
