it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
