Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
