can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
