he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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