Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
