If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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