I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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