mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
