my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
