he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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