dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
